In which the life of this blog hangs in the balance.
So, I haven't written anything since...I don't know, April?
Okay. It's gonna be okay. Whew. I'm really, really nervous to post anything. A few weeks ago I had the scare of my [blogging] life, and now I'm not sure how okay I am with broadcasting my deepest (or, probably, just most random) thoughts and feelings across the entire internet.
Remember back in the day when I wrote about a few dates I had with guys in my ward? I didn't think much of it at the time, because I didn't think anyone but a few Writing Center friends even read my blog and that even then, it didn't matter since my ward life and my work life never crossed paths. Basically I didn't think at all.
Well, like I was saying, a few weeks ago I realized (via another eerily stalker-like source, the Facebook news feed) that at least one of the guys about whom I had written had read my post and had been really hurt by it.
I felt terrible. Awful. I feel awful. It makes my stomach turn to just think about it. (Aside: Ugh, I didn't want to face up to this...) I had no intention of being unkind...it was only in retrospect that I realized how much pain the post could cause when read from another perspective. I felt so cruel for hurting someone like that and like an even bigger jerk for doing it in what is apparently such a public way. I couldn't stop rereading anything I'd ever posted and imagining terrible things happening with other people getting hurt. I immediately wished I could go back and erase it, erase anything I'd ever written, make the whole thing go away, somehow fix the damage I'd done...but I obviously can't.
Instead, I vowed then and there that I would never think anything but complimentary thoughts about anyone, let alone speak any of them (or, of course, publish them online), as unrealistic as such an idea is. I renounced blogging at least temporarily, perhaps for good. I nearly deleted all of my old posts until I realized that it was water under the bridge at this point. I nearly contacted the fellow I'd offended and apologized until I realized it might do more harm than good for him to find out that I knew (that he knew that I knew that he knew, etc.); the last thing I wanted to do was embarrass him any further. I felt so...useless, like there was nothing I could do to ever make things right again. I eventually concluded that all I could do was wait and let time heal wounds.
It was a good vow that I made, of course, but since I'm human and inherently (infinitely) fallible, I know I can't keep it. Instead I've (hopefully) learned to watch my words--spoken or written--much more carefully now, which I count as a priceless lesson to learn. It's just too bad it had to come about this way.
So...now what? I really like my blog. It's a great place for me to keep in touch with my other friends that write online. I love the opportunity to send my thoughts out into the void and hear them echo back with fresh perspectives. I've just come to realize (in the worst possible way) that it isn't fair to do that when other people's feelings are on the line.
I think I'll keep the blog. I've just got to be a better person about what I do with it. And I know this is cheating, but I think I'm going to go back and delete some of the posts that mention people by name. I don't know how much good it will do, but I think it'll at least help me feel like I've got more of a clean slate.
So, dear readers--any of you left--I have a few messages for you:
- To anyone I've inadvertently hurt in the past: I'm sorry. Really. I am. I wish I had a better way to say it. Please believe that I never meant any of you ill will. Chalk things up to my personal weaknesses and not any resentment I bear you.
- To anyone reading the archives: Be gentle, please. As I've said, I've written in weakness, in times when I've been frustrated and despondent and lonely. I think I've grown more over the course of the last two years than I ever have in my life; in between posts about crazy late-night trips to Wal-mart and inane lists of class schedules, I think you can see that growth. I'm glad to say that I see myself as a very different person than the one who started this blog in September of 2005. Please read with a grain (or five) of salt and a forgiving eye, and remember that it took me a long time to recognize the dangers of letting other people read your journal.
- To anyone reading future posts: I can't promise things will be interesting (I actually never did, honestly)--in fact, I anticipate everything being a lot less salacious than it ever used to be since I've promised myself I'll keep anything personal confined to pen and paper.
3 comments:
I totally feel for you. I've had some minor shocks when I've found out that various people (the ex-boyfriend, my family, etc.) were reading my blog. Luckily I hadn't actually written anything bad, but I still had a moment of panic where I wondered if I had.
But on the other hand, I don't think you need to only write complimentary things. A lot of the stuff of my blog is not necessarily complimentary, just true. But you're right that it does need to be moderated by the idea of imagining them reading your blog. Whenever I write someone into my blog (and I usually don't mention people by name), I imagine them reading it. It is a good check to perform on any piece of writing, and sometimes actually helps you gain charity--if you would be embarrassed to have them read it, shouldn't you think about why you're feeling it?
On the other hand, don't censor yourself to the point of being fake. Keep bloggin', Cathryn. I like reading it. :D
Hehe. Thanks. :) I think that's very true, about considering audience that way...I should take my own advice! (How many times have I repeated that idea in a 150 tutorial?...)
Yeah, it can be pretty scary when you write something controversial, put it out there, and have it come back to you. I try to keep my online identity anonymous for that reason (though someone who worked really hard could probably figure out who I really am, and certainly all my real-life friends know about my identity). My experience was a little bit different--I wrote a blog post criticizing the TV show Firefly, and within 48 hours I'd gotten over 1,000 angry visitors, with about a dozen blogs and message boards attacking both me and my argument. It was pretty crazy! I think the net effect was good, but I don't quite know. I haven't said anything personal about anyone, but I'll try to avoid saying something I wouldn't want them to read.
I don't think it's useful to have the goal of never thinking anything but complimentary things about other people. I don't think God even thinks that way--though he certainly doesn't go around arbitrarily thinking mean things about people. Even God gets angry with us from time to time--he just doesn't let that get in the way of the love he feels for us. You've got to be honest with yourself, no matter what. Every time I've been dishonest with myself about my thoughts or emotions, it never points me in the right direction. That being said, it is a balancing act to figure out how to be honest and considerate at the same time, and I hope you get up from this fall and figure it out again.
Besides, a superficial molly mormon approach kind of defeats the whole purpose of blogging, doesn't it?
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